Should I cry at work?

An essay on emotion regulation, work friendships and grief

Tears puddle in my eyes and stream down my face as I finish my salaah and make dua for my mum. The guilt eats me alive knowing that I don’t do it enough, but have the audacity to think that Allah (SWT) will go above and beyond for me. I know this thinking isn’t accurate because He loves us all and forgives us for our shortcomings, but oh how heavy it is on my heart knowing all that I want for my mum in Jannah, and me here on this Earth.

I cried at work today, on my lunch break, while surrounded by my 3 colleagues. I was showing them, ironically, my first post on here, about my mum. I’ve only been working there for about a month now, and I’m very grateful to have been welcomed with open arms by these women, and now it’s these same women, who I look forward to seeing everyday during my 9-5. I casually told these women, one at a time, about my mum’s death, in passing conversation, because I guess I didn’t want to make a big deal of it or feel like I was talking too much about something morbid.

Today, I said to one of them during our coffee run, “I can’t imagine coming to work one day, and you and the others not being here.” I think this just proved to me how much relationships hold an important place in my heart, I think I thrive knowing that my presence affects the mood of someone’s day and generally that we can all have a more positive work day because of each other.

They each read my essay about my mum, and I can see the puddles forming in their eyes too. Everyone loves their mum, and I think as humans we are always thinking about ‘what if’ moments. These ‘what ifs’ can be both happy and sad, and I guess in this case, sad. Usually I don’t always cry talking about my mum, but I guess it’s safe to say I’ve been in my feels recently, ever since the 6 month mark. We all know that grief comes in waves and this has been very apparent to me. Before I knew it, I could feel tears and they flowed freely. My colleague immediately got up to embrace me, and lo and behold, another man who works in our building, comes into the kitchen, sees me crying and of course minds his business. I didn’t stop crying but I guess it made me think that although we may be in our workplace, life doesn’t necessarily stop just because you’re inputting data into a spreadsheet 8 hours a day. You come to work with your “outie” feelings and unlike Severance, we still feel the same even though we’re in our “innie” mode.

I am a crier, and I always have been. I never wanted to be caught crying when I was younger because I was made to feel like it was too soft of me and generally used to think this was a super negative trait of mine. Over the years I felt that it made me look weak, and that I was over-reacting by crying. Now at 24, I see it as the healthiest outlet. Not to be that person, but crying has so many benefits:

• Pain relief: Crying releases oxytocin and endorphins, which can ease physical and emotional pain.

• Mood enhancement: Crying can help lift people's spirits and make them feel better.

• Social connection: Crying can help people connect with others and create a more compassionate society.

• Grief processing: Crying can help you process and accept the loss of a loved one.

Now when I find myself crying, I let it happen and accept it for what it is. Being someone who feels a bit too much, I can be triggered very easily, but I think there is so much beauty in knowing that I can cry because of love, and empathy, and sadness. I read something at work a few days ago, and I’ve not been able to get it out of my head. In short, a student failed as a result of his elderly mother’s passing. She was 85, living in Bangladesh, and died of cancer. When I clicked on this student’s profile picture, he looked like my dad, innocent and smiling, and I immediately felt the emotion rushing to my eyes. I stopped myself from crying at my desk, but upon reflection, maybe I should have, because thinking about that man, made me cry about my mum the following day anyway. My ability to make emotional connections across things that one might not even think of, allows me to feel deeper and I’ve grown to love this about myself. Living out our emotions makes us human, and better in the long run, or that should be the case anyway.

My colleagues let me feel my feelings and they felt them with me. Over the many jobs I’ve had over the years, even if I have not liked what I was paid to be doing, one thing I could rely on was how much better I felt because of the people who worked that specific job with me. Whether that was in retail selling clothes, being a mentor in the summer during NCS, umpiring social netball leagues during uni or working as a youth support worker for a local charity, my relationships with colleagues is what’s stuck with me through time. Some friendships may not extend beyond the shift or 9-5 and that’s okay, but I think there is so much love shared in those small moments of life spent together.

I hope this grief stays with me because it’s all of the unexpressed love that I didn’t get to tell her, and I told her every day, she was the best of us.

Andrew Garfield hit the nail on the head when talking about how he feels about his mum’s death. It was such a beautiful way of phrasing it all and to this day, I appreciate his words. I’d like to think that my mum is looking down upon me and her loved ones, proud. I’d like to live life to the fullest in honour of her, and everyone I meet, I hope that they see her in me. A younger, more free, happier version of my mum.

- oh, maybe it’s okay to choose self love